Tell Me What You Really Feel

It all happened so quickly, Hayley didn't know what to do. Brian came through the door, like any other day, but there was something different, she could just feel it. There was a change in the air, a shadow behind his smile, a guilty glimmer behind his eyes; it scared , but it worried her more. There was something he didn't know about her; something she kept a secret. Something only her deepest, darkest friends lingering in the bottomless abyss that is her self only knew.

She loved him, more than anything this life of hers could offer. He loved her too, but it wasn't the same. It could never be the same. She wasn't in his mind, in his conscience to know what he was thinking, what he was feeling; towards her or any other girl for that matter, and it tore her apart.

He walked to her room after she greeted him at the door. They were going to spend the day together, relax and have fun. But after this, after that sudden fear, she didn't think she could have fun. Right before he opened his mouth, she knew what was coming. She could already see it fast forwarding and playing in her head. She didn't have to wait long to see her mind's video tape play into reality.

"There's something I have to tell you" he said.

Gulp. She was so scared! She could feel her body trembling, but it wouldn't show from the outside. "What?" she asked, not showing her fear at all.

"Theres this girl...and...we're kind of dating" he remarked.

There it was. Her worst fears come true. The man she was in love with, the man that held her heart in his hands, found someone else to hand his heart over to. This man, that meant everything to her, now would never be hers. Go figure it was her luck to find the person that was perfect for her, her one in a million match, and she would lose him to some complete stranger because men never saw her as anything more than a friend.

She just stood there, blankly staring at him, for she didn't know what to say, how to respond, to something so shattering.

He waited patiently and quietly until he couldn't wait any longer and said, "Hayley, say something."

"What do you want me to say, Brian?" she said with a sigh. "Do you want me to say I'm happy for you, that I'm glad you found someone who is so amazing you want to claim her as yours? I'm sorry, but right now, I can't say that. I can't lie to you because I respect you too much, and because I love you. But, you already know that. You've known that since day one and nothing is different. I can't help it if I love you. I told you the other day, that you were perfect for me, and you've known all the while just how crazy I am about you. So no, I won't say I'm happy for you, when you just tore out my heart from my chest, lit it on fire and then fed it to the dogs for dinner."

Now it was Brian's turn to stare back blankly. He just stood there, completely dumbstruck. Hayley was his best friend, and yes, he knew that she was crazy about him. They had even talked about this before. When they first became friends, he had told her that it wasn't time yet, that he needed to heal from his last breakup and sever the ties from that heartache. They had grown to be very close, and they would always have a great time together; it was just how things were. He couldn't live without her and he knew it. There was no one else like her. And then it him...like a block of ice thrown on his head from five stories up; he just made the biggest mistake of his life.

Hayley wasn't just anyone. She was his best friend. The one person he could always go to, for anything and she would always be there. She would be his partner in crime, or his sturdy rock. Whatever the situation called for. And now...now he just told her that he found someone better than her. Someone he wanted to hold, and kiss, and touch, and spend time with. He froze. The look on his face was so pain ridden that he couldn't breathe.

So this is what Hayley must have felt every single time that he talked about some girl and how they would make a day to hang out or meet and get to know each other. She never told him about things like that, because there was no one. Yes, she would talk about the guys from her high school, but they were her friends. They were the once's that helped her through that hell hole. But any recent guy...he heard no such thing. This is what she felt. A clenching, gut wrenching feeling where you couldn't breathe or see straight.

Brian turned in the direction that Hayley had gone off in in the house, and made a run for it. He couldn't let her go; he just couldn't. It was a small house, but every step felt like she was running in a long hallway that wouldn't end and with each step, he realized that he was in love with her. He loved her yes, but what he denied to tell himself every day was that he was in love with her as well. If he didn't fix things now, he would surely lose her for good.

He made it to the garage, and out the back door to the back yard....

...to be continued

Fireflies

Julie stared at her phone waiting for him to call. She knew it was a stupid thing to do, to wait. He would call when he got home. She knew it. But she couldn't help but stare anyways. As she was staring, she saw stars. No not movie stars, but balls of light far away in the galaxy stars.

Her mind wandered as she saw these stars. Julie was in bed while all this happened. She fell into a daze and later found herself in her backyard on her trampoline staring out into the night sky, under the stars that started this whole thing.

2 years had passed since things changed drastically. 2 years ago, Julie was still a baby, still this naive little girl who didn't know anything about what was going on in the world around her. But all that changed. Her little daze took her on a journey down memory lane. Good, bad, happy, sad, angry, crazy, normal, every memory that has made its home in the back of her mind came into play that day. All the friends she had made, the one's that stayed, the one's that said goodbye, the stupid things she had done, the smart things she had done; each and every single memory brought tears to her eyes.

There was one big tug of war going on inside her heart. It was the battle that would not let her rest for these past couple months now. Julie missed her best friend. They had a sort of falling out and she didn't like it, but there was nothing that she could really do. For the past two years they would spend every waking moment together. They had gone through a lot together even though they didn't always see eye to eye. And then she met the one person who would change it all. This is where it got complicated.

Julie loved the new person in her life. They were the perfect pair. Always on the same wavelength, always eye to eye, always laughing, always joking. She couldn't have been happier. She would be the happiest person if both these people, that she loved oh so dearly, could stand the other. But that was wishful thinking. Her soul mate, twin, partner in crime, whatever you wanted to call "him" and her best friend before him would never be happy in the same room for any length of time. They were completely different people, but she got along with them both just fine. She was lying to herself when she said this because she knew she got along with him way better than with her.

He was perfect in every way. She knew of his flaws and every negative aspect that everyone around her would fling in her face but she didn't care. She could never care, so long as he was in her life. They were the perfect pair. No matter what anyone said it didn't matter. She knew him better than anyone, inside and out. No matter how many times he told her her loved her, or that he wasn't going anywhere, she couldn't help but think that things were too good to be true. She couldn't help but think that this was all a dream, a sick game someone was playing to mess with her feelings and that he would be gone the next day.

"She" was Julie's best friend. Forever and always. Or so they both thought. They both made mistakes and lost the other. They still talked, still laughed, still loved one another but things weren't the same.

Julie woke up to find herself under the stars, outside, late at night. It was only evening when this all began but it felt like much longer. She looked around her, took a deep breathe and relaxed. Julie knew that it was finally time to come to terms with what had happened in her life, and the turn her life had taken. There were so many pro's and con's for both sides, but the pro's for being with him outweighed any cons she had for anything else.

Julie took one last look at the stars before she went back into the house. She looked up at the light bulbs in the sky that became her friends. They gave her strength, they gave her guidance and they gave her peace of mind, and heart. They were her fireflies.

"I'd like to make myself believe. That planet Earth turns, slowly. It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep. 'Cause everything is never as it seems. When I fall asleep."

Dear Diary...

He is the arrow that pierces my heart and guides me home.

He is the star in my night sky that shines down on me and lights up surroundings.

He is the perfect shade of whatever color I need in my crayon box.

He is the song that makes me cry and sing and laugh all at the same time.

He is the beat of every tick of the time hand on my wrist.

He is the imperial ship at sea that weighs anchor to help the lost sailboat that is me.

He is the outfit that makes me look great when he looks at me with longing and love in his eyes.

He is the unshed tears that fail to fall when the perfect words are spoken.

The hands of time can not stop this great thing we hold dear. I will not dare speak what this thing is for if I do, the secret will be not ours. It is ours to keep, ours to think upon, ours to laugh about, ours to hold, ours to cherish. We both have questions that need answers. We both have fears that we can not seem to let go, yet. But I know, together, we can make it through every obstacle, every peril, every hardship, every bump, that life throws our way.

This is for you. And this is for me. This is for us. And this...this is what it means to truly be, in love.

Good Band...Wrong Venue

It’s Saturday night at the Wiltern. I’m standing up front, all the way in the front, at the point where I can extend my hand and touch the speakers on the stage floor, I hear nothing but bass and subwoofers and drums. I feel my entire body shaking. It says something about the acoustics of the place. Walk to the back, go outside into the lobby or go upstairs to the balcony, and I can actually hear the words.

It’s getting closer to 9p.m. The venue is slowly starting to fill up. Give it another ten minutes and the opening band enters, takes center stage and starts rocking out.

Scotty Don’t is the non-tribute band that tours with Badfish, the band dedicated to performing nothing but Sublime songs. The band, Scotty Don’t, includes members of Badfish, so it’s kind of like their alter ego.

The band plays about four songs, and the lights go back on. The people start to fidget for a bit then walk back toward the doors, away from the stage, to get more drinks, possible bathrooms breaks and to mingle. About twenty minutes later, the band that everyone is here to see is on stage. The lights go back down and the show begins.

The songs were cool: great rhythm, good beat, good sound. However, the venue they chose to play at didn’t quite fit with their music and style. The Wiltern is a great place, but to be honest, Badfish could have had a livelier crowd and the feel of the show would have been much better if they performed at the Avalon.

Every venue has a certain, how shall we say, sense, to it. The Wiltern is probably better suited for bands like Switchfoot and Shinedown.Bands that are a little more widespread and better known that attract more audiences and fill the entire place up. Avalon is more for those bands who have either passed the Roxy stage and made themselves known, even if it isn’t that well known, or are for those bands like Badfish, who are known for the tribute they pay to a certain band.

All in all, the show was mediocre. It would have been much better with more people, who were actually interactive and moved around and showed their enthusiasm for being there, instead of just standing there bobbing their heads like those bobble-head toys.

The music was good, I must admit that. It had a little modern rock with a hint of reggae to it, which sounded interesting and catchy. If there’s anything that you can learn from this, it’s that even though you may be going to see a band you like perform, if the venue isn’t right for them and the crowd isn’t how it should be, then you’re not going to have that great a time.

Tell me...Who are you?

Emily woke up for the fourth time this week in the middle of the night with the same nightmare haunting her dreams. No matter what she tried to do, the horrible scenes would not leave her at peace and would wake her with the worst sense of dread and the feeling of nothingness. Her eyes would snap open, her heart beat would be at an exceedingly high rate, her breathing heavy and ragged and her mind spinning restlessly into oblivion.

Her recurring dream, to use the word loosely, would start off as a regular dream would; well, at least how a normal happy dream would start off. In her mind the scene would open with herself sitting outside on a warm spring day, under the warm sky with nothing but the smell of fresh mowed grass, the sound of the river trickling by hidden somewhere behind the brush and the sound of the light breeze whistling through the giant oak she sat under. In her hand would be a book, always changing each night for she was an avid reader and she always had her hands on something different. Emily would read on for a bit and then would look up from her entrapment in the story for she would hear an all too familiar sound that always warmed her heart. Without needing to look too far ahead or in the accurate location, she would know that it was her best friend in the entire world, the boy that would always be there for her; Dylan.

Dylan would walk through the arrangement of trees and bushes in the park that she always occupied. He would walk towards her with the gait of a man who knows who he is and where he is going with his life, the aura of someone with great power that if unleashed could bring down even the strongest of men, the appearance of magnificent masculine beauty and perfection, and the heart of the purest soul ever to walk the Earth. He was her saving grace, her one solid rock and place in this world. Without him, she would have nothing to hold on to. They were not what people would call a 'couple'. No, they were so much more than that. What they shared, their deep connection to one another that surpassed any and all levels or recognition was beyond what anyone could ever dream of acquiring with a special someone. It was the best feeling in the world, for both of them.

He walked up to her, as she was sitting under her oak tree, stood in front of her casting his shadow unto her and creating a painting behind her and just stared at her. She looked up at him after a while for he had not uttered a single word to her yet. She found this odd because he would always have something to say to her and she felt slightly self conscious for he was pure beauty and she mediocre and he was just staring at her. When Emily looked up to see Dylan's face she knew immediately that something was not right. His face, the strain of his lips from frowning, his eyebrows slightly indented so as to try not to look like he's holding his tongue back from something, told her that something was seriously wrong. Her stomach did a few cartwheels, jumped through a couple rings of fire and then plunged deep into the abyss that was her fear and paranoia. Before she could utter a word, Dylan spoke up and what he said to her stopped the frantic beating of her heart for three seconds.

"Who are you?" he uttered.

Emily couldn't speak. She was too dumbstruck to put together a single word. All she could do was stare, gape and sputter sounds. Finally, after a long period of verbal nonsense, she answered back with "Excuse me?"

"I said, Who are you? I don't know why I'm here, under this oak tree, in this park, standing in front ofyou."

"And what exactly is wrong with me?"

"I don't know. Am I supposed to know you or something? Are you my girlfriend?"

"Yes, you're supposed to know me. And no, I'm not your girlfriend. I am so much more than that."

"Am I married? Are you my wife? I'm too young to be married. I don't have a kid with you do I?"

Emily wanted to slap him! She couldn't tell if he was pulling her leg just to mess with her a d play a sick game of twenty questions to gleam information from her or if this was really real. She refrained, although it was really hard to keep her temper in check but she reigned it in; for now and answered with a calm she didn't feel. "No, you're not married. No, I'm not your wife. And no, you don't have a kid with me! Dylan, what's going on? Why are you acting this way?"

"How do you know my name? Honestly, who are you?"

"You're kidding right?! I know you because you're my best friend, and I yours. We're each other's confidant. The one and only go-to person that knows everything about the other. What's gotten into you?"

"Okay seriously, you're starting to creep me out. Why are you talking to me like were all buddy buddy?"

Oh my gosh!!! He was seriously lacking in brains right now. Her anger was mounting, and it was her only vice to keep her fear from rising and eating her alive. "Have you not heard a single thing I've said?"

Dylan looked at her at that comment, really looked at her like he was trying to see behind her eyes and into her soul. Emily felt like she was finally getting somewhere for she knew that look. Knew it very well. But her hoped were crushed all too soon. He gave her one last, long penetrating stare and then said "Ya, you're definitely not someone I could see myself being friend with" and walked away.

That was the lowest blow that Emily had ever received from anyone in her entire lifetime. With one sentence, Dylan had ripped out her heart, stomped on it, lit it on fire, threw it to the dogs to chew on and walked away like he didn't have a care in the world. On tear fell down her cheek, and that tear was all she needed to let outwardly show her despair and pain, while inside, inside she died the minute that tear fell. She was no one. She was nothing. The world around her was a lie. She could feel the safety of her oak tree receding, the song of the wind in the leaves turning into chaos and noise and everything around her turning to ash. She could see and feel the world dying around her, turning gray, then black. Once the world turned black, she would wake up to find herself staring at her ceiling, breathing heavy, heart sputtering like the wings of a hummingbird, tears flowing out the sides of her eyes and onto her pillow as she clutched her sheets to keep from screaming and to somehow alleviate the pain.

Seven nights. She was being tortured for seven nights now and she didn't have a single clue as to why. Emily knew she had to do something. During the daylight hours, here in the real world, she would see Dylan everyday and it would be like every other day. Dylan knew who she was and what they shared. In the real world, he was her Dylan. Her best friend. The boy that she meant those few months ago. He wasn't the dream Dylan, the one who killed her. So she knew it was all a dream, but she couldn't help but wonder if it was a sign to something else. It had occurred for the past seven nights in a row without a single detail missing or out of place. Emily just couldn't help but wonder.

As she sat there in her bed, tears running down her face coating her pillow in sorrow and fear, clutching the sheets like a passenger lost at see holding onto a life preserver to stay afloat, staring at the dark ceiling, Emily realized what she needed to do. She got up and out of bed, wiped her face and went to her desk. She sat down, got out a piece of paper and a pen and wrote down the one thing that she would always keep to remind herself that she didn't need someone else to know who she was in order for her to live on. So long as she knew who and what she was, she would never die. Her pen hit the paper and she wrote this poem that would live on forever:

I am a friend

I am an old soul

I am a stubborn mule

I am my father's daughter

I am my mother's flesh and blood

I am someone's wonder

I am what most called weird

I am what some find intriguing

I am my wolf's leader

I am a girl with hidden interests

I am an artist

I am a musician

I am a writer

I am a reader

I am a woman with a strong heart

I am a girl with a free spirit

I am courageous

I am cautious, at times

I am adventurous

I am unorganized

I am the one who you call when something is wrong

I am the one who listens when no one else will

I am one of a kind

I am not a word

I am not a thing

I am me

I am Emily

The next night, and the night after that, and the night after that, and for the rest of her nights, Emily slept in peace; from her mind, from her fears.

World's Ventured To

I walked into a completely different world as I took my first step into the the famous music store jam packed, wall to wall with every form of music you can imagine. They had everything from vinyls to 78's to cassettes to CD's. The music drifting out of the speakers, into the atmosphere of the building and into my ears and senses felt surreal. There were people standing in aisles just sifting through records and CD's to find that one piece they came here looking for. The minute we made it past the registers, Bri and I looked at each other, smiled broadly and made our way straight to our desired destinations.

I helped Bri sort through the heavy metal CD's to find the one she wanted. Unfortunately, it wasn't there and we made our way to the Clearance Vinyl's to just look through. It started out as just an innocent, 'Hmm, I wonder what they have lying around' to 'Help me find some Jones and Sinatra!'

Bri helped me for a bit and then made her way to the other side of the building towards the Classical section, while I stayed behind and just kept going through every aisle of the Clearance Vinyl's. There were so many! Each little cubicle, for lack of a better word, held about thirty records and there were oh, I don't know, maybe fifteen to twenty cubicles to sift through. That's a lot of records. I spend the better part of an hour going through each one, seeing what I could get my hands on. Somewhere around the fifth cubicle, everything went silent, the only noise being that of my breathing and the shuffling of records. It was music to my ears as it took me to another world. The people around me disappeared, the music drifting out and down of the speakers above muted, the world outside, gone.

As the hour passed along, I looked next to me to see a stack of records that I had collected that I intended on buying. I knew at one point in time we had a working record player at home, but whether or not we still owned said record player was a mystery to me. So, I planned on buying a bunch of records with probably no way of listening to them in my house. Oh well; it would be mementos in the least.

The stack, as I sifted through my collected items, contained Tome Jones, Frank Sinatra, Dirty Dancing Performed Live, Celtic Variations, Love Story, Tommy Tutone, and to add some modern zest to the mix, Green Day's Bullet in a Bible.

We made our way to the registers and after we paid and had our bags in our hands, I turned back and took one long, lasting look to the place that I would be visiting a lot more often. A smile spread across my face as I realized that I would be walking into these beautiful four walls one day all too soon. A turn of the head, the slightest movements of muscles transported me from surrealism to reality as the noise and lights all came flooding back.

Soon. Soon, you will grace me with your vast variety again.

Take 1

Every day is another take on life. Another snapshot, another click of the mouse, another first try, another excuse to start over. Words that were said yesterday lose their meaning today. Whatever is said or done today is less in rating tomorrow. The effects are everlasting there is no doubt, but the intensity of it all, whether it be bad or good, diminish in time.

We were driving over to our schools, both attending and pending. Cameron looks over at me from the drivers seat and I know what he's thinking. Before he gets a single word out I say, "I still think the other one is a better choice."

He just stares. We've gotten past that part in our friendship that when we know what the other is thinking, it's not that big a shock anymore. So he just stares. I give one long look and I turn my head and look out the window into the vast expanse of grassy hills, dirt and rock formations that are amazing, burnt, dead trees and bushes, all that reside and make up the beauty and horror that is the San Fernando Valley. The scenery passes me by as a blurry mess, like a video recording gone bad due to a dirty lens. After a few songs have played and passed on my iPod blasting through the speakers of my car, Cameron looks over and speaks. Lately, I've just gotten this feeling that something's off about him, like something is bothering him and I just can't pinpoint and every time I ask him, he says he's fine.

"You're not going to give up are you?", he asks me.

"Nope and you know it.", I answer back.

"Why are you so persistent that I go to that particular college? What does it matter?"

I turn towards him slowly with a shocked look on my face as I exclaim, "What does it matter?! Ar you serious? It matters a great deal actually where you decide to go to school and get your education. This is not something to be taken lightly. You may not care much about it because you've had a three year reprieve of no school and off doing God only knows what with your life and now that you're back you think it's just something to do. Sorry bud, but going to college is not just something to do."

"Jeez, what's got your panties all in a twist?!"

"Cameron, I know your older than me and all, but I know more about college than you do. Take this advice from someone who is true in her intentions about helping you out. I started my college life the same way you are. I thought, I'm not going to bust my butt just so I could go to some ivy league school because it has a name. My senior year I got a major case of the 'fuck-its' and just went on by. I got into the easy school, only soon to realize that it's not easy in the least. Every day I learned more and more about statistics and whatnot about my school; how many seniors actually graduate, how many students drop out, how many don't make it past their first semester! Your'e going into a community college, so it's going to be easier on you than going to a four year university but that doesn't mean you should treat this any less seriously."

"You don't get it do you?"

I take a deep breath before blowing out my brains and sigh. "Clearly I don't as you just now stated. So please, help me understand."

"School is terrifying for me. I've never been good at school. You saw my grades, my GPA. I've never been able to learn in school. It's always been a struggle for me. I do amazing outside of school. I learn quick at jobs, at whatever else I'm doing but school, school is something else entirely. I'm scared shitless about going back to school. Granted I haven't been to school for six years, so that adds to my anxiety, but just thoughts of what school was like for me back then doesn't help the situation either."

"I get it. You're scared. But you do have to realize and get it through that oppressively thick skull of yours that college is in no way the same as high school. So you were poked fun because you weren't the smartest or the brightest. Are you the same person?"

"No."

"Will you be surrounded by the same douchebags and assholes like you were then?"

"No."

"Are you situated in an environment where everyone is out to get you?"

"No."

"Are the people in your life fake like they were back then?"

"No."

"Have you answered no to all these questions?"

"Are you deaf? Yes, I answered no to them all!"

I look back at him with the most serious face I can muster and utter one word in response, "Good." and I look back out my window and turn up the volume to Thriving Ivory's "For Heaven's Sake." It fit perfectly as the lyrics shouted back "Pull yourself together for you set yourself apart. Make every door you walk through, a living work of art."

He turns down the volume and stares back at me, aghast.

"Good?! That's all you have to say? Good??!"

"Yes. Did you want more?"

"I...I mean...this...UGH!!"

I smile. That's all I can do. I turn the music back up and we make our way to our destination in silence. (If you count singing along to songs on the way silence.)

I know it's only the beginning of the war and the battle has yet to be won, but the skirmish has begun. Both parties have injured to tend to and losses to mourn, but it's all worth it. Life is a gamble and a war. There is always someone, or something, out there to be on the opposing team with better militia, cavalry, you name it. But with great friends, family, and all that good stuff on your side, you know you will win, because it's the little things in life that matter. I may not win the skirmish, battle or war, fought out on a hilltop somewhere in the middle of nowhere, but in the end, the reason behind my fighting tooth and nail will be understood and seen and that will make all the difference.

It's not about winning for me, not in the least. My fighting is not for my own gain, but for that of a beloved, for someone very dear to me. Cameron knows that I will ride out into the sunset, chasing whoever is out there to hurt him or whoever has hurt him, with every weapon I can get a hold of, and I will not relent until I feel satisfied.

The actors walk off stage and call it a day. The director gets up off his chair and goes to the food stand and gets himself a cup of coffee. The lighting crew takes down the lights and starts putting the gear away. Right before the lights turn off and the set is closed for the day, the guy in the corner who wants to be a director one day gets the director's board, stands in front of the camera, says "End Scene" and walks off stage.