Thursday, July 8, 2010

How Far Would You Go?


"Oh c'mon! You can't be serious! That's not fair..."

"What the hell is going on over there?! Are you okay?"

"What? Oh, yeah, I'm fine. This stupid car in front of me can't effing DRIVE so those of us who can have to suffer because some moron at the DMV passed this idiot on his driving test."

"Jeez, babe, calm down. I mean, where's that submachine I have. I know it's around here somewhere."

"You know, you are probably the only person who can make me smile at a time like this without wanting to strangle you. Oh and by the way, you're sitting in my lap."

"Aww, I love you too, and I'm sitting where now? Why didn't you tell me this before? I could've made a ton of sex jokes this entire time! You are depriving a man of his sexual innuendos. Do you realize how severely damaging that is to us?"

"Ha ha ha. Very funny. And yes, I think I read about the damage it causes to the brain and how incredibly adorable and smart mouthed it makes my boyfriend."

"Touche, love, touche. So where are you now?"

"Ugh...I'm on the freeway, stuck in bumper to bumper traffic, halfway home, and I've been on the road for oh, I don't know, twenty minutes already. I would've been home by now if these idiots would just get out my way! I'm tired, I'm sleepy, I'm slightly depressed and I just want to go home."

"Okay...I get the first two. What is this about being depressed? Did you stop taking your pills again? I told you not to do it. You know how it turns you into the spawn of Satan and we have awesome phone sex."

"Shut it! That's our little secret! You're not supposed to blab it to the world! What the hell kind of boyfriend are you?"

"Alright alright, I'll keep it on the down low. But seriously, whats wrong?"

"I don't know. I just fell into one of my slightly less happy moods. And seeing the guy int he car behind me laughing his ass off with his girlfriend in the car isn't making me feel any better."

"Sounds like someone misses me."

"Well duh. There's no arguing that one dummy. I don't know man...I just want to go home, go to my room, turn off the lights and just curl up in my bed and chase the demons away."

"A few more months baby and then I'll be there. I promise. Just hang in there."

"I know, I know. I'm counting down the days until....SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIT!"

"Say what now?".....Baby?.....Hello?....I know you didn't hang up on me, I can hear noise over there? What the hell was that giant thunk?! Why are there sirens there?! Schuyler? Schuyler?!?!?!?!?"

It was just another day for Schuyler. Get up in the morning, eat breakfast, go to work, come home. Today she spent the day helping her boss fill out her schedule for the fall. So many students! Her boss runs a piano school and they both sat down for five hours, trying to figure out which student they could pencil at what time, at which studio, on what day, according to the family's request of course. After that, Schuyler spent the next two hours sitting in front of the computer at the office, surfing the net, chatting away and just relaxing. Once the clock read five o'clock, she was so out of there. Hop in the car, hit the freeway and head on home. It was just another day, until IT happened.

She was talking to her beau to keep herself from falling asleep at the wheel and also because she missed him. As they were laughing and talking, and him making her feel better and waking her up, she suddenly felt herself spinning in midair, gravel, sky, gravel, sky, until she ended up seeing nothing but dirt and trees. She blinked a few times thinking, "Don't panic. Don't panic." She had watched enough shows, and read enough books to know that if she started to panic, her heartbeat would speed up, her blood pressure would sky rocket and she would pass out. She did NOT want to pass out. Letting out a deep breathe, she winced as she realized that not everything was okay. Bones were broken, there was blood everywhere and there was someone screaming her name, but she couldn't pinpoint where the sound was coming from or who was screaming.

Schuyler stayed as still as possible until the sirens were close by. She let herself relax as much as possible without causing herself any more pain. The incessant screaming of her name hadn't stopped. The memory of having conversation was there in her mind but she couldn't remember who she was talking to, or when she was having the conversation. Boot clad feet appeared in her vision, as she saw the firemen and the police running to her side. They somehow got her free of the trap that she was in. Looking back, she saw her car, or what used to be her car. There was a giant dent in the middle of it, between both doors on the driver's side. It looked like the hulk took a giant fist and punched her car so that one side of it nearly met the other. Schuyler shuddered at the scene and what could have been her body spread like jelly across the passenger side window and seat. Right as she turned her head around, she remembered who she was talking to and when. She realized who was screaming her name while she was waiting for the cops to get there. It was Riley. Her boyfriend. He was screaming her name at the top of his lungs. She could hear the fear in his voice. Feel it run through her veins. He was so scared that she was dead. He wasn't here to come running to her side. The millisecond it took for all these thoughts to process in her head was enough to make her turn pale and go cold instantly. She started screaming his name, over and over, so he would know that she was okay. She had to let him know. The fireman that was carrying her set her down to look at her and try to calm her down. Her face looked like someone turned the sprinklers on to wash away the mud that was stuck to her face.

"Miss? Miss? Miss why are you yelling? You're safe."

"My phone. My phone is in the car!"

A look of annoyance and astonishment crossed the man's face at her words. "Miss, I don't think your phone is the least of your worries right now. You can always get another one."

"I don't care about the phone! My boyfriend is still on the line and he's been screaming my name for the past I don't know how long it took you guys to get here! I didn't remember it was him but now I do! Please! Please just someone pick it up and talk to him! Tell him anything, everything! Just please!"

The fireman rushed her over to the Emergency Unit and let the EMT take her to work on her. Once he knew she was settled in and ready to be rushed to the hospital, he turned around and made his way to the hunk of scrap metal that he pulled the girl out from. He was still surprised that the girl had survived the wreck with nothing but broken bones. He knelt by the door he dragged her out from and yelled into the air, "Hello?" Honestly, he felt like an idiot, but the girl was insistent about it so he had to at least try. Nothing. He tried again. "Hello? Is there anyone here?" There was nothing, for the beat of a heartbeat then all of a sudden, a broken down, high pitched squeal that should not come out from a mans throat, "SCHUYLER?!"

"Schuyler's on her way to the hospital. She got into an accident and is in the ambulance,being rushed over as we speak. I'm the fireman that pulled her out. Keep talking until I find the phone."

"Where is she?! Is she okay?! How bad is she hurt?! What happened?! Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!"

"RELAX! She's fine. She's only got broken bones. They're bad, but not that bad where they can't be fixed. She's not bleeding internally, and that's the best news you could get from this kind of crash. You'r girl is going to be just fine. I'm Scott by the way."

"What do you mean 'this kind of crash'?" How bad is it? I'm Riley. Oh my god, what is she going to do when she wakes up and I'm not there? No, this can't be happening!"

"Once we know which hospital she's at, we can find out which room and you can go see her. It's not big a deal."

"No, you don't understand. I don't even live there! I live on the east coast!"

"Well that is problematic. Unless you fly over here. That's always an option. You don't have to beat yourself up over something you can't control. Aha! I found you. Alright then, I'm going to hang up the phone and head on over to the hospital and drop of this off. My word of advice, get on the first flight here if it's bothering you that much. It was good talking to you. I hope it all works out."

Click. And that was that. The guy just hung up on him! Schuyler had just gotten into an accident. His baby was in the hospital with a bunch of broken bones. And he was at home flipping out. He told himself to calm down. Flipping out wasn't going to help Schuyler or his situation. Riley ran his options through his head. 1- He could hop on the next plane and be by her side within the next couple hours, with money he didn't have. 2- He could drive there and be there within a couple days, paying for gas with money he didn't have. 3- He could pull out cash from his account that has was saving up for a trip for both of them to take together, as a surprise to her. His best bet, was option number one. Two would just take too long for him. Long enough to drive him crazy. Three was always replaceable. He could always save up more money to take her on a trip. But if there was no Schuyler, there would be no trip. His mind made up, Riley went to the bank, took out as much money as he needed, drove like a lunatic to the airport, bought his ticket to the first flight to Los Angeles. Sitting in the small seats in the plane and fidgeting with every little thing got him glares and nasty looks from the people around him, but he didn't see them. He didn't see anything but Schuyler's face.

The plane landed, he got his luggage and just stood there, in the terminal thinking, "What now? You didn't plan the rest of the idea genius." But he had an idea. It was worth a long shot, but it was the only one he had. Riley took out his phone and dialed Schuyler's number, hoping her mom was there by now and that she'd pick up.

Ring...ring..."Hello? Who is this?"

The second ring. Wow, luck was definitely on his side tonight. Now, how do you approach your girlfriend's mother, whom you have never spoken to nor ever seen, who is frantic over her daughter's state of being. "Umm, is this Schuyler's mom?"

"No, this is the boogeyman. Yes, this is Schuyler's mom! Now who are you and what do you want?"

"Umm...my name is Riley. I'm"

"Riley? As in her boyfriend who lives on the east coast, Riley?"

"Ya. You know about me?"

"Of course I know about you. What, do you think my daughter would have a boyfriend and not tell me?!"

"Well, umm, not many people take online dating very seriously. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love your daughter and all, but I just didn't think she would tell anyone."

"Well, she told me, and some of her dearest friends know too. But this is beside the point. What do you want? Why are you calling? This is not the best time."

"I know, I know. I was just wondering, if you could tell me which hospital she's in and what room. I want to see her."

"See her? You are talking as if you are already here in Los Angeles. And how did you know she was in the hospital?"

"We were talking when she got hit. The fireman that took her out of the car came back for the phone to find me because he said that Schuyler was screaming for him to go back and find me. And yes, actually, I'm at the airport. I hadn't really planned what I was going to do once I landed, but I was hoping you would pick up when I called."

Silence.

"Hello? Are you still there?"

"You flew...all the way...from the east coast....to see my daughter."

"Yeah. Was that a mistake?"

"No. No mistake. It's just, I don't think I've ever seen a single outsider care this much about her."

"Outsider? Never-mind, you can tell me later. Listen, I love your daughter and I nearly lost my brains by the time I got here. Can you please tell me where she is so I can come see her? Please?"

After about five minutes of getting the information he needed, Riley hailed a cab and told the driver where to go. The hour long drive was unbearable. He was so close to her, and yet so far away. When they finally arrived in front of the hospital doors, Riley stepped out, payed the cab driver, and walked through the doors. He went to the desk area and asked them where her room was. He took the elevators up five flights of stairs, and ended up in the ICU. He took a deep breathe and walked down the hallway until he found a woman pacing outside, back forth, in front of a certain room. He didn't know why, but he had a feeling it was Schuyler's mom. He was right. She looked up when she saw him, and smiled. The smile made him stop dead in his tracks. It was the kind of smile someone shares with a person they love dearly, or someone that means a lot to them. And from what Schuyler has said about her mom, she wasn't all that accepting. It made him hesitate. Schuyler had also mentioned how smart her mom was, and she picked up on his hesitation in a heartbeat. "Don't worry," she said, "I don't mistrust you, or hate you, or anything negative. I couldn't, after seeing you did all this just to see my baby." She opened the door for him and he made his way inside. Only one visitor was allowed at a time.

Riley stopped just inside the door, looking at Schuy. She was huddled in the fetal position,pr as close as she could get, clutching herself, with her eyes shut tight. On leg was pinned against the bed, straight, so as to not move it around and disrupt the process of her bones knitting themselves back together. She had her arm in a sling, with cuts and scrapes and bruises and bandages all over her arms and legs. Her face, though, was unharmed. There were a few cuts here and there, but nothing serious. She hadn't heard him come in. He walked closer to her bed until he realized that she was crying. The closer he got, the more her crying turned into whimpers and pleas. As soon as he got the bed, he could hear her begging, begging that he was okay. In all this, in everything that she had just gone through, she was worrying about him. Worrying that he was okay, that his sanity was intact. He sat down on the bed behind her and started stroking her hair. Until now he hadn't realized just how much she loved him. She would always sound so neutral and bland over the phone when it came to talking about their relationship and her love for him. He used to think that it was because she didn't love him as much as he loved her, or even at all. But until this very moment, he truly understood. She was scared he would leave her. She was afraid to show him her love for him for fear that she loved him more and that it would scare him away. He remembered that conversation very clearly, when she had told him how many people had broken her heart before for that very reason. He leaned down and nuzzled her cheek. Her eyes flew wide open, and she looked like a deer caught in headlights. It was the cutest, most vulnerable look he had ever seen on anyone's face. Once she realized who it was, she turned her head back around and started sobbing uncontrollably. Riley lay down behind her, and as gently as he could, wrapped his arms around her until she calmed down and finally fell asleep. He let his own tears trail down his cheeks and into her hair. He stayed that way for the longest time, while his girl slept peacefully, cradled in his arms.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Santa Maria Cottage Welcomes You


Everything's so white. The walls. The tiles. This jacket! Why is everything so white?!

Jacob sat in the cold, dank room, hugging himself as he rocked back and forth, leaning against the wall. The jacket he was wearing, more like restrained in, held his arms securely against his body, and wrapped behind his back so there was nowhere for his arms to go. He kept whispering to himself, "Why? Why am I here? Why did they bring me here? I'm a good kid. I didn't hurt anyone. Why?" It was his first week here, at the Santa Maria Cottage, and no it wasn't a nice cozy little cottage out in the woods where grandma bakes cookies and gives them out the village kids who come in and sit by the fire. It was NOTHING remotely close to that. Santa Maria Cottage; home to the local psychos, schizo's, cutters, possessed, downers, manic depressed, sociopaths, the whole shebang. For Jacob, this was now home. Definitely not a home that he wanted, but he would soon realize it was the only place he had.

It had been a little over a year since Jacob was admitted to this hellhole. He was slowly adjusting to the place. It wasn't your average psych ward that you read about in books, or see in the movies. No visitors, no phone calls, no letters, no contact with the outside world whatsoever. The only contact the 'inmates' had were staff members, the walls and the other cell mates, and even that was rare. The reason he called them 'inmates', like a prison, was because the Cottage, was just that. It was one giant mind-fuck. The name was cutesy and gave off an air of peace, the place itself gave you that feeling that this was the place that people with problems come to get the help they need, while in actuality, the place was like fucking Auschwitz! One wrong move and you would either be strapped down to a chair or a gurney while the nurses played doctor and stuck needles in you, connected to a high voltage box and turned the dial to 1000 just to fuck with you and give themselves a good laugh.

Year Two. The place was getting too unbearable. There was no one to talk to. All the inmates were either too fucked up to be let out of their cells to wander around even for just a few minutes or too depressed, sitting in a corner staring at the clock, or the wall, or the window, or the ceiling, or the floor, hugging themselves. There were also some of the crazies who would sit as far away from anyone as they possibly could, somewhere away from as much light as possible, eyes open wide, watching every little movement everyone made, and if someone, or something unseen to everybody else, got too close, they would run, screeching as if someone just branded them with a hot iron, flailing their arms like spaghetti, hitting a wall when turning a corner every here and there. At least it was a form of entertainment, though cruel and small it may be, but hey, a guy's gotta find some kind of hobby while in here.

Year Three. Something interesting finally happened today. Some new kid got admitted today, and low and behold, he's actually one of the more normal people we got shacked up in here. Hey, I'll most likely see him out in the mess hall during our so wonderful lunch breaks where we are actually allowed reassurance that there are people outside the four fucking walls that have become our nearest and dearest friends. So the new guy's name is Anthony. I wonder how much he'll last here until he goes crazy and the drugs make him hallucinate and see things. Yeah I said it. The drugs here don't fucking help; they just make you more crazy so the doctors have a reason to keep you here. It's like a jail man! The people here are sick and twisted in the head. If anyone needs the treatment, it's them! They're pumping us with all sorts of drugs, with who knows what kind of crazy amount of doses that leave us all jacked up and seeing shit. If I could get my hands on one of those needles, I'd shove in my doctor's neck. I'd love to see Dr. Deguzmen have a taste of his own medicine; see what it's like to be all drugged up and seeing crazy shit. Let's see how it feels to wrapped up in a straight-jacket for a full week, you fucking bastard!

So today I found out that that Anthony kid punched Dr. D in the nose. I'm really beginning to like this kid.Oh, and I also found out that he's got the cell next to mine. Isn't this my lucky day. Now I don't have to maintain my pledge of being mute for the rest of my stay here at Santa Maria Cottage. God, how I hate the name to this place. So just to clear things up, I'm stuck in the Isolation unit, where I don't get to see or talk to anyone for twenty two hours a day. The other two hours are spend talking with the doctors and therapists; a lot of good they did us. How do I know about the other inmates and crazies that I mentioned previously? Because I would see them, briefly, on my way to the doctor's office. But now I had someone else to talk to during my days spent confined in a room full of NOTHING. At least the builders of the place were nice enough to put in vents that would let us communicate otherwise I would forget what it was like to speak.

It's almost the end of year 4, and I have officially crossed the hedge. I'm crazy; there's no denying it. They have put me in this rubber room, where everything is white. Odd enough, this place looks familiar. I can't put my finger on it, but I feel like I've been in this room before. Either I'm hallucinating and conjuring up memories to make myself feel better (or make my point that I have officially entered crazyville) or that this is some repressed memory that doesn't want to resurface. In any case, I know this room, I just don't know how.

I don't know what day it is anymore. I don't even know what time of day it is; morning, afternoon, night. Hell, I don't know anything anymore other than if I don't see something besides these white walls sometime soon I'm gonna go really overboard.

Sometime a little after sometime soon.
THE FUCKING WALLS!!! I CANT TAKE THE WHITE WALLS ANYMORE! And that stupid guard that sits outside my cell, watching, waiting; waiting for an excuse to lock me up in a more secure place, an excuse to beat the crap out of me with his baton, an excuse for anything! He's got to be disposed of. No! I have a better idea. I can use him as bait. That's it, I can use him to get to the doctor's office, have a sharp object at his throat, threaten to cut up his jugular if the doctor doesn't do what I tell him to do. I like this plan already. Now I all I need is a weapon. Hehe, let's see if the douche-bag guard can be of use before I make him crap his pants.

Wow, he actually did it. The idiot gave me a pen and let me use the bathroom. What a fucking moron! HAH! Let's see who'll be the one smirking at the end of this little battle dickhead. This is my chance, my only chance. I have one shot at this. Once I open the bathroom door to be led back to my prison, I have to be quick and bring the pen around to his neck and squeeze. Of course, I don't want to kill him, just yet, because I need him as leverage. If the nice doctor wants to save this man's nasty hide, he has to listen to me. Alright Jacob, it's show time.

"What the?!"

Don't move, or scream, or call for backup. Do you understand me? I don't care if it means going back to that cell and back into that jacket, or worse, if I kill you, but I will enjoy it so don't press your luck. Lead me to the doctor's office if you want to stay alive. I'm sure the good doctor will be so kinda as to protect you from the crazed lunatic that has become me due to his incessant drug pumping and greed for money and power.

Gulps. "Okay. Okay. Just don't kill me. Please. We're heading to the office now."
Good man. Now don't make it look obvious that you're scared shit-less of me, otherwise the rest of the staff will know something's not right. Put on your big boy, guard face and let's go. Good.

"What is the meaning of this?! Jacob! Why are you holding a sharp pen to the guards neck?! Better yet, where the hell did you get a pen and how did you sharpen it?!"

I wouldn't raise my voice, ask questions about where I got things from or how I did what I did, or anything to piss me off any more than I already am and throw me overboard. If you want to save your precious guard, whose sanity means more to you than your patient's, then do what I say.

"Alright. Okay. What do you want me to do Jacob?"

I want you to call my mother. I want you to tell her that it was a mistake having someone bring me here and having me committed. To tell her that I don't belong here with all the crazy people. That I am totally fine, I'm cured, I'm saved, whatever the fuck you want to call it. Just tell her to come get me out of here! Otherwise, precious Mr. Guard ends his life right here, right now.

"Jacob. I don't know of any way to tell you this without making you angrier or more irrational. But I will tell you because it is what you want? Will you at least let the guard go before I tell you? Please? I want nothing but everyone's safety. If you hurt the guard than I will have to call for security, and the police, to detain in any means necessary to keep you from hurting anyone else, and I don't want to have to do that. So, can you please let him go? Or at least, put the pen down?"

How do I know you wont automatically try and sick the other guards on me, pump so much with drugs that I pass out and find myself in that rubber room again, without you having done what I came here for?

"Jacob, I promise you that I will tell you what you want to know and do what you wish for me to do, if it is within my power."

Fine. Whatever. It can't get any worse than it already is.

"Thank you. Now, I really don't know how to tell you, but your mother...she's been dead for quite some time now. I know it's not something you want to hear, especially in the state you are in, but I told you I would tell you, and I have, even though it pains me to do so. Jacob...Jacob! Jacob calm down!!! Get off the orderly! Let her go! She hasn't done anything to hurt you! SECURITY!!! SECURITY!!! HELP!!!"

She's dead. How can she be dead? HOW!? Mom...why? Why did you have to leave? You fuckin bitch! You've always been selfish! You just had to die and rest in peace while your son is rotting away in a prison! A place he has no right to be in! You don't care about me at all do you! You never have! WHY?!!! What did I ever do to make you not want me?! What did I do?!! Mommy!!!!!!!!!!!!

My last day. Today is my last day. I'm finally clocking out of this place. I'm finally going to be free. All the shit that's happened, all the shit I've been through, all the drugs they've pumped into me, it's all come to an end. I have to admit though there have been some good moments, and odd enough, they've all included that Anthony kid. He kept me a little sane while we roomed next door to one another. Our daily conversations through the vents, the satisfied look on his face when I attacked that guard...good times. But now I'm finally leaving. I hope he's doing good; at least one of us normal people deserve a happy ending. My happy ending starts today. Mom, I'm sorry I yelled at you and called you a selfish bitch. I was hurt and angry at the time, but I know you loved me, and that you still do. Don't worry though mom, I'll see you in a bit. Your little boy is coming home.

In memory of Jacob Gaurdado. Born 1987, died 2003.
May you rest in peace.